Monday, March 24, 2014

Life Humor 2.R

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
Life Humor 2.R was originally posted 18 February 1988

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"We trained hard, but it seemed every time we were beginning to form up into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency and demoralization"

From Petronii Arbitri Satyricon AD 66. Attributed to Gaius Petronus

Gaius Petronus, a Roman General, later committed suicide!

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     A few years back, some poor fool decided to rob a bank on a Friday afternoon. Stupid fellow that one.  If he had looked across the street, he would have realized that this bank was next to FBI headquarters, and it was payday. Virtually every person in the bank was an agent!  Needless to say, this hapless fool got a quick lesson in law enforcement technique...

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     This reminds me of the stories which appeared in the press a few years ago during a garbage strike in N.Y.  Apparently, the cabbies started wrapping up their garbage and putting it in the back of their cab. It was always gone by the end of their shift.

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     The stupidest tricks I've heard of, though, are always bank robbers. Like the guy who was caught walking back to the bank with a can of gas after his car ran out of gas while he was in robbing the bank.

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     They managed to enter the place without setting off the alarm, but they were unable to crack the safe by drilling holes in it or trying to hear the tumblers fall.  So they decided to blow the thing open.  After a loud explosion the safe was still locked tight, but the alarm had been set off.  When they got to the getaway car it wouldn't start.  So they each ran off in a different direction as the sirens approached.  The police had no problem identifying and apprehending them, though.  One of them had left his wallet on the front seat of the getaway car.

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     How about the bank robber in Champiagn IL. who robbed the bank one day and return to the same bank the next day to deposit the money into his account and even went to the same teller. Well the teller keep him busy while someone called the police.

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A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time.  Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interesting flying because of the maneuverability, acceleration and the like.   The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh?  Well this old girl can do a few tricks you  guys can't even touch."  Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate.
"Watch," he tells them.

After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says,"There!  How was that?"  Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots  say, "What are talking about?"  Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll,  got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."

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"Are you going to see him Samoa?"  "Don't be Sicily, he's a Spain in the neck."
   
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"I don't Bolivia."  "Denmark my words, you'll regret it."
   
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"Swell town you got here.  Lots of big men born here?"  "No, only babies."
   
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"May I see you pretty soon?"
"Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
   
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"How should long girls be courted?"
"The same as the short ones."

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Did you realize that bank robbers are all going to Canada now?  That's the only place they have Toronto.
   
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The local banker really likes the Swiss slogan: every little bit Alps.
   
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He used to have her picture over the fireplace, then he proposed, and she gave him the negative.
   
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He's rather good looking, in a way.  Away off.
   
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He fell in love with her when she ignored him.  It was love at first slight.
   
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"How did you find your steak?"  "I found it under the potato."

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The doctor won't be back for a long while, he's out on an eternity case.
   
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A young women at the hospital was given a private room, she was too cute for wards.
   
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Tomas R. Marshall, Vice-President to Wilson, dedicated one of his books: "To President Woodrow Wilson from his only Vice."
   
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A book review: the following are taken from "The Washington Wits" edited by Bill Adler, 1967

     Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
     "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the advertising men in charge of his campaign.
     "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
     "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. (p 10-11)
   
     On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down to size ... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him." (p 88)
   
     A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs.  They look good but they don't work." (p 88)
   
     Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of farmers in America." (p118)
>What's even funnier is that the amendment FAILED.

     Republican Senator Karl Mundt of South Dakota reports that the citizens of East Berlin, who have their eyes fixed upon the prosperous Western sector as a symbol of freedom, have managed to retain their optimism and a good sense of humor.  He tells the story of a young East Berliner who had been told that his "mother" was the East German "Republic" and his "father" the Communist party.  Asked by Brezhnev what his ambition was for the future, he replied, "I would like to be an orphan."  (p118)
   
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